I have to share with you guys, but it has to be quick.
I'm sitting in Global Village again, imagine that, and there just seems to be so much going on inside of me--excitement, growth--that I want to share. On the other hand, this blogging just simply isn't as important as the actual business going on inside of me. So, it has to be quick, lest I waste time.
Last night, I was feeling really broken. Simply put. I came home from a busy day, and started to unravel the rat's nest of my life by talking to Josh for a while. I am so blessed with the amazing people in my life. Through this conversation, praying with Josh, some reading, and honestly, some tears, I came to the point of realizing just how much I live for myself. I'm cocky, I love to spoil myself, I want attention, recognition, fame, popularity. I've acknowledged this with my lips for quite some time now, but I think it's starting to make me sick to my stomach--this reality of my condition.
There's so much to say here, but I just want to share that this is an answer to a prayer I've been praying the past few weeks.
When I showed up at InterVarsity's summer conference about ten days ago, we were asked the question, "What gift does God want to give you this week?" Let me quote my response, from the 3x5 card we were given to record our prayer:
"A humble perspective of: God's holiness, my humanity, and a resulting desperate dependence on Him, through prayer, worship, trust, etc... poor in spirit."
This sounds all well and good, right? I know what it means to be poor in spirit, but now I'm actually asking for it. I've lived for myself for almost 23 years now, and I can't handle it.
Why the sudden excitement? Why so much motivation to write on a Wednesday morning in the coffeeshop? Well, C.S. Lewis has been preaching to me as I've been reading Mere Christianity over the past hour. His words have been resonating so deeply and truthfully with the state of my condition, that a big excitement has been growing this morning. In the wake of last night, my weakness, I cannot wait to finish this entry and to dig into the truth of God's story in Scripture.
Don't get me wrong, this excitement is not pointed at any efforts of mine to become more righteous, or to attain any qualities of a true Christian, such as a poor spirit. I've put down the book for now, and I'm about to pick up the true word of God, the Bible, but I wanted to simply express my excitement while it was still fresh on my mind. Let me leave you with one of the many passages from Mere Christianity that has spoken to my heart this morning, hoping that it can explain this position better than any of my own communication:
"He is misunderstanding what he is and what God is. And he cannot get into the right relation until he has discovered the fact of our bankruptcy. When I say 'discovered', I mean really discovered: not simply said it parrot-fashion."
I'm sick of being a parrot. I've sinned against you, my friends and family, by claiming so many things about myself, about God, and about my relationship with Him, all the while missing some of the depth of these statements. I am nothing without God. My most proud attempts at righteousness are called "dirty rags" in Isaiah.
As always, thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for your forgiveness of my parrot-talk about God. Thanks for calling me out of my pride, and reminding me that I'm nothing. Thanks for standing alongside me as we repent, bow, and worship the Almighty Father.
I love you, but you're not as important as God working in my life, so that's all the time I have for now. I want to be someone that's in the business of letting God be everything that I am, everything that I need and everything that I boast in. Pray this for me, as I pray the same for you.